Deadpool and the Marvelous Blonde
by Astarael's Bell
Summary: Deadpool finds out that Ms.Marvel doesn't like blonde jokes. Naturally, he is shocked! It falls to him to right this horrible injustice.


**A/N**. So, this is my first fanfic. Yaay me! I actually wrote it a while ago, but decided to put it up anyway. Sorry, if I got any characters kinda wrong… Anyway! Here goes…

…..

**Deadpool and the Marvelous Blonde.**

One bright and sunny day, the merc with the mouth was enjoying a leisurely stroll through the park. He couldn't remember why he was in the park or how he had gotten there, but it was a nice day and he had no pressing matters to attend to, so he decided that he would just follow the path and enjoy the panicked looks people gave when they saw all the weapons he was carrying. Why people were worried, he had no idea; what did they have to fear from their friendly neighbourhood Deadpool?

His walk was abruptly cut short when two figures exploded from the sky and smashed into the ground with such force that even Deadpool nearly lost his balance. He looked into the crater and at the two costumed supers responsible for ruining his walk.

Ms Marvel was pounding her fist into Titanium Man's head, making a large dent in the side of his helmet.

"And that's why I don't like blonde jokes." Grunted the blond heroine, punching after every word.

"Blonde jokes? Oh I know a ton of blonde jokes!" Deadpool exclaimed, hopping into the crater with them. He was sure he could find a joke the blonde hero would like. "What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?"

Ms Marvel punched Titanium man one more time, just to prove her point, then got up and nearly walked into Deadpool, who was standing behind her looking expectant. She sighed, she didn't have time for the unstable mercenary and his antics. Though she was curious about something. "Deadpool, what are you doing here at the park?"

"Huh? Oh I'm staring in a short and poorly written story." Deadpool answered quickly. The blonde should have known that, since she was in the story too, but he didn't bother pointing that out. She still had to hear his joke! "So, what do you think she said?"

Ms Marvel looked at him like he was crazy. "You're staring in a story?"

"Arg!Yes! Now, what did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?" Deadpool repeated impatiently. Ms Marvel had to hear his joke! He found it hard to believe that anyone could not like blonde jokes, or any kind of jokes. Jokes were almost as great as he was.

Titanium Man groaned and tried to move. Ms Marvel kicked him in the head. "What did the blonde say, Deadpool?" She asked, clearly not interested.

"She looks at the doctor and says 'Are you sure it's mine?' Ha ha!" How great was that! He waited for the blonde hero to start laughing. Nothing happened, she just stared at him. Not a giggle or a smile, not even a smirk! What the hell was wrong with her? That was a good joke.

Sirens sounded in the distance, coming closer, and Ms Marvel rolled her eyes. "Finally, they're here." She grumbled and kicked Titanium Man again. Deadpool suddenly wanted to kick him too, so he did.

Though he was annoyed, the merc with the mouth was determined to find a blonde joke that Ms Marvel would like. It was simply unjust that she did not like any, so it fell to him to right the injustice. That's what heroes did, after all.

"Well, it's been nice talking to you Wade but I have to go, people in peril, villains to defeat and all that." And with that, Ms Marvel shot off into the air.

How dare she! She hadn't heard his next joke! No, he couldn't let her go without hearing it… well actually he could since she was already gone, but he would find her, and she would hear his jokes!

Deadpool teleported over to the street, at the traffic lights where all the cars had stopped. He walked through the cars, running through jokes in his mind, until he found one he liked the look of. It was red, and everybody knows that red cars go faster, or was that yellow cars? No, he was pretty sure red beat yellow in most races he'd seen. The merc with the mouth walked to the driver's door, opened it and pulled the man in the drivers seat out.

"Hey! What the heck do you think you're doing!" The man shouted as Deadpool threw him onto the sidewalk, which was no mean feat as the man was quite overweight.

Deadpool waved a dismissive hand in his direction. "Shut up, fatman, the writer wants me to borrow this car."

"What?" The man spluttered, spitting everywhere. He waved to the police in the park, who were trying to get Titanium Man's unconscious titanium butt into their truck. "Help! Police! He's stealing my car!"

Was Fatman an idiot? Deadpool wasn't stealing the pretty red Ferrari, he was _borrowing_ it. He had every intention of mailing it back when he was finished, even though he didn't know where Fatman lived. Seeing this horrible flaw in his master plan, the merc with the mouth went to the Fatman, who was still trying to get the laws attention. "Give me your wallet." Deadpool demanded, holding out his hand.

"W-what? Why?"

"So I can mail your car back to you, idiot. Why else would I want it?"

"M-mail it? My car?"

This was taking too long! Ms Marvel was getting further and further away without hearing any jokes! Throwing his nice guy act to the wind, Deadpool drew out his gun and pointed it in the Fatmans face. "Stop wasting my heroic time and tell me where your wallet is!"

Fatman shrieked and pulled away from the crazy mercenary. "My car, i-it's still in my car! Please d-don't shoot me!"

Deadpool nodded then smacked the Fatman with the side of the gun "And that's for not having your seatbelt on! I ought to march you over to those police right now, Fatman, but I'm a very busy hero." Before he left, Deadpool shot his gun into the air twice and waited.

Upon hearing the shots, the police in the park lifted their focus from Titanium Man to focus on the source of the gunfire. Deadpool waved and shouted, "Hey guys! I'm just borrowing Fatmans car for a bit, try not to let the city fall into chaos without me, I'd rather be here when it happens." Then he teleported into the Ferrari, buckled his seatbelt with a pointed look in the Fatmans direction, and sped off.

"What the heck is this!" The merc with the mouth shouted to himself. The music in this car was awful! He tore the glovebox open and searched through the CD's but found nothing even close to good. "There's no Lady Gaga anywhere! I'll kill you Fatman!" Now he needed to stop for some tunes. He'd never complete his mission at this rate! Ms Marvel would never find a blonde joke she liked without his help!

Deadpool stopped Fatman's red Ferrari in front of the first music store he saw, and delighted in the screechy sound the tire's made when he'd slammed his foot on the break. He undid his seatbelt and marched into the shop. The store assistant was a red-haired youth who raised her eyebrow at him when he strode up to the counter. What the heck was she raising her brow at?

"Hey! What the heck are you raising your eyebrow at!" He demanded, causing the teen to jump.

"N-nothing, sorry sir. Can I help you?" She inquired cautiously, slowly moving away from the counter.

"Yes, you can. I want to know where you keep the Lady Gaga CD's." He said and crossed his arms across his chest.

The teen thought for a moment then pointed to their location. Deadpool nodded and went to where she had pointed then he grabbed his CD, and walked out of the store.

"Hey!" The red-head shouted as she ran out after the merc with the mouth. "You need to pay for that! I'll call the police."

Deadpool spun around, drawing one of his swords as he moved. He held it under the girls chin. "I don't have any money on me! What am I supposed to do? Spend the Fatman's?" He demanded.

"Uh… n-no?" The girl answered, uncertain as to what the unstable mercenary was talking about.

"Exactly!" Deadpool exclaimed, glad the girl understood. It would be wrong to spend the Fatman's money. "I'm glad you understand." He sheathed his sword and got back into Fatmans red Ferrari, making sure to buckle his seatbelt. He put his new CD into the car's player, skipped to his favorite song, then made for his next destination. He had to go to the bank and withdraw some money; he needed to pay for his new CD.

Deadpool sang to Bad Romance all the way to the bank, only stopping his harmonizing to yell at all the idiots on the roads and shoot his gun out the window. Where did people get their licenses? Cereal boxes? He was sure there was a rule somewhere that said when a crazy, gun slinging, sword wielding super hero was driving a Fatman's red Ferrari through the city at ridiculously high speeds, people had to get out of the heroes damn way! Especially when said hero was on an important mission. Ms Marvel had to hear the jokes!

It was because of one of those idiot drivers that Deadpool forgot to stop when he got to the bank and drove Fatman's red Ferrari right through the front doors.

"Oh crap! Now see what you idiots made me do! What am I going to tell the Fatman!" He yelled out the now broken window to no one in particular. He hoped he had enough money to pay for the damages. Though he was happy that there was nothing wrong with the stereo, since Lady Gaga was still thundering away. He started to sing again.

"Ale-alejandro Ale-alejando…"

Some people came rushing over to the car. "Oh God! Sir, are you alright? Thank heavens you didn't hit anybo-"

"Shutup! This is my favorite part! 'Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch…."

"I think he may have hit his head."

…..

Meanwhile, Ms Marvel was just flying back into Stark Tower to tell Tony that she had dealt with Titanium Man. She landed at the top of the tower, only to find Tony already waiting for her. She couldn't tell if he was amused or annoyed, probably a bit of both.

"Carol." He greeted, raising his armored hand. "I just got of the phone from the police, they managed to get Titanium Man de-armored and locked up. I owe you one."

Carol shook her head, her golden locks cascading around her face. "You don't owe me anything Tony, we're friends. Friends help each other out."

He gave her a small smile. "Well, I'm glad to hear you say that, Carol… Did you happen to run into Wade while you were out and about?"

Oh God. She did not like the look on Tony's face when he asked. "I may have…"

"Well, see, I need you to go to a bank"…

…

Back at the bank, Deadpool's song had finished and he was pushing his way past concerned bystanders. There were so many damn people standing about that he couldn't tell where the line for the teller was. Drive one car through the place and order goes right out the window! Well fine, If they weren't going to follow rules then neither was he. The merc with the mouth stomped up to one of the tellers.

"I'd like to make a withdrawal please, and could we make this quick, I have things to do." He was a busy hero, after all.

"W-what?" The man behind the counter asked in disbelief. Maybe he was new.

Deadpool clarified, "I want you to take money out of my account and give it to me."

"Sir, I c-can't give you money from your account!" The teller gasped.

"Well fine, take it from someone else's account, I won't tell anybody." It would probably be better that way, he didn't really want to pay for the damages to the bank and Fatmans red Ferrari. If it wasn't for all the stupid drivers out there, none of the crashing would have happened in the first place.

"You just drove your car through the front of the bank!"

"Hey, don't you blame me for that! The stupid writer put all the idiots on the road, blame her! And it's the Fatman's car, not mine." Deadpool was about to move on to the next teller, because this one clearly had a few screws loose, when two police cars and an ambulance pulled up. He wished they wouldn't have their sirens so loud, he was trying to listen to Lady Gaga.

A voice boomed into the bank as one of the cops spoke through a megaphone. "You in the mask, drop all your weapons and come out with your hands up."

What! They thought he was robbing the place? All he wanted to do was get his money, pay for his CD and tell Ms Marvel blonde jokes! He didn't have time to rob a bank! Idiots!

"I'm not robbing the damn bank, you idiots!" He shouted at them.

"That's good then sir. Now if you would please drop your weapons and step out of the bank."

"No I will not drop my damn weapons, and I will not step out of the damn bank! I will stand right damn here, and I will listen to my damn CD, until this stupid damn teller lets me withdrawal my damn money, so I can continue with my damn mission!" Deadpool shouted, pacing back and forth. How dare they come in here and tell him to leave without his money! Didn't they want him to pay for the CD? What kind of cops were these!

"We'll have to call in reinforcements if you don't come out." the cop warned, the authority in his voice making the unstable mercenary scowl.

"You want me to come out? Well fine-" Deadpool suddenly disappeared in a flash of red.

He appeared again behind the officer with the megaphone. "I'll come out."

He grabbed the officer by the back of his neck and slammed his head into the car, knocking him unconscious, then he teleported again before the other three cops could open fire.

Deadpool re-appeared behind another officer, the one furthest away from the bank. With one hand, he reached around and twisted the cops gun out of his grip, while using his other hand to draw his own weapon and shoot the gun right out of another cops hands. He drove the handle of the stolen gun right into its owners head and the cop fell to the ground. Teleporting one last time, Deadpool materialized behind the last officer and drew his sword. The cop quickly raised his hands in surrender, dropping his gun on the ground.

"Wait! We'll give you what you want!" He said quickly. "You name it."

"Like demands?" The merc with the mouth asked, moving the point of his sword away from the cops back. Demands would be perfect! Maybe he might still be able to complete his mission after all!

The cop nodded. "Yep, you demand it and I'll see what I can do. You just have to let me get my radio."

"Well why didn't the other guy just say that! Hurry up, get your walkie-talkie, I know what I want."…

…..

When Ms Marvel got to the bank all she could do was shake her head.

There was a bright red Ferrari smashed halfway through the front door, two unconscious police officers in an ambulance being checked by paramedics, a police barricade to keep out the crowd and reporters that had gathered, a very angry fat man who seemed to be the owner of the Ferrari, and sitting on top of a police cruiser, singing 'Telephone', was the merc with the mouth himself, Deadpool. If she hadn't promised Tony she wouldn't beat him to a pulp she'd, well, beat him to a bloody pulp. Still, maybe she could get away with one good smack in the head…

…..

Deadpool jumped up and waved when he saw her flying down. Finally, he would be able to tell her his blonde jokes, and find one she liked! She didn't look very impressed when she landed. He had no idea why that would be, the police had agreed to let her sit in the van with him all the way to the station, that way he could go through all his blonde jokes on the way. After the pizza he'd demanded got there anyway. He had also demanded somebody go and pay for his CD. The rest of his demands could be discussed at the station, like his immediate release…

…

A few hours later, Ms Marvel flew back to Stark tower for the second time. Never in her life had she heard a more ridiculous request! For two hours, she'd had to sit there and listen to that idiot tell her joke after joke after joke! The next person that so much as uttered anything to do with a stupid blonde shooting alligators, or going to her doctor, or finding a compact or anything, was going to be thrown out of the tower – literally.

"Ah Carol, your back." Tony said when she walked into his office. "Look here, my friend just sent me the funniest e-mail, listen I'll tell it to you: A group of blondes went to London."…

….

Two weeks later, Herman Waltz was reading about Tony Stark's tragic tower falling accident, when heard a knock at his door. When he answered it, there was a bored looking delivery man standing there, with a clip board in his hand.

"Are you Herman Waltz?" the man asked.

Herman nodded.

"Will you please sign here, we have a package for you."

Herman signed and handed back the clip board. The man waved at two other men by their delivery truck and they hauled a large box to Herman's door, then they all left.

Herman opened the box and really felt like crying when he saw its contents. In the box was his wallet, a note and the crushed, red cube of twisted metal that used to be his car. With sad, shaking hands, Herman read the note.

_Hey Fatman who doesn't wear his seatbelt, see I told you I would mail you your car back! I had a problem finding a box big enough for it, so I had to downsize the car a little. _

_Your friendly neighbourhood Deadpool…_

The End.

So, that's it... Feel free to tell me how bad it was...


End file.
